commanderforehead | continued from bakerstreet due to captcha

[He really needs to back this up, to put some distance here and at least politely demure Akmazian away. Ryan is just as much of a hot mess as he was an hour ago, when he was too worried about messing things up to want to take more than one little step at a time.

But he holds still when Akmazian reaches for him, doesn't pull away when Akmazian touches his face. Ryan's mind goes back to the vacation he took before, the fling he had while there if only to find out if he minded as much as he thought he did, if he could want that kind of thing. All signs have pointed to yes since then, and at the back of his mind he was always thinking of someone else.

Ryan shrugs as he looks down at Akmazian laying against his leg, not enough to dislodge Akmazian unless the spy is looking for an excuse.]

I think everyone likes to hear that they're pretty.

Mmm. That's not really what I asked, but alright.

[ he could really stand to kiss him right now, he thinks. that would be pretty nice. there's no better way to show his appreciation for all of the work ryan is doing than a nice big smooch, right? -- except that's a purely self-involved thought, and he's more than aware of it.

it's not going to stop him from daydreaming about it, though.

wordlessly, he slips his hand a little further up, actually holding the side of his face. briefly, the pad of his thumb strokes across ryan's bottom lip, before he hums to himself and reluctantly lets him go, finally sitting back up. ]

I'll get dressed. Better get movin' if we want to get anything done tonight.

[Ryan continues to stay still as Akmazian's hand moves across his jaw, up to his cheek. Every point of contact feels like it must be searing a mark into him, that everyone would only have to take one look at his face to see where Akmazian touched him. His lips part just slightly at the touch of Akmazian's thumb to the bottom one. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just lean in and-

And Akmazian is sitting up. Blood rushes back in to Ryan's leg in a way that is not a metaphor, it had fallen asleep with Akmazian resting his head there. The pins and needles feeling pulls him further from the moment still.

They really didn't come here to enter into some torrid pulp romance novel situation. There's a mission, a conspiracy to possibly uncover.]

Right. Yes. I'll get my shoes on.

[He cannot get off that bed fast enough so that he can focus on getting his boots on and carefully not look at Akmazian getting dressed. Hi my name is Ryan and I'm an addict...]

[ this is too much. maybe they shouldn't be allowed on trips like this unsupervised: things would be a lot easier to rein in if levi or jane were both here to utterly spoil the mood every time it started to heat up.

no, instead, his heart is beating in his throat like he's a hormonal teenage boy instead of a grown-ass universally feared alleged terrorist, and he sighs a little at himself as he wanders back into the bathroom to pull his clothes on.

more than anything, he wants to lie down, to get some real sleep, to snuggle his face into the back of ryan's back and just sort of exist like that for a while.

he snags his boots as he heads to the hallway door on his way from the bathroom. god, he might as well defuse this while it's still possible to. he shoots ryan a crooked grin, flashing his eyebrows as if telling the punchline of some longwinded joke. ]

You're a champ for indulging me, doctor Dalias.

[Ryan is thinking the same thing as Akmazian - mainly that those two narcissists have a unique talent for ruining any mood for better or for worse. A talent he could really use right now. Even if the tension dissipates for a little while, each new surge of it seems to be much stronger than the last. It feels awfully close to something terminal already, and they still haven't even really started the recon mission yet.

He finishes shoving anything he might need and can easily carry into his pockets when he looks up at Akmazian's speaking. There's Akmazian the smuggler, Akmazian resident of the cargo bay, Akmazian the alleged terrorist. Ryan's mind keeps rewinding to his relaxed sleeping face, to his hand on Ryan's face.]

Oh. Uh, sure? I mean - I could say the same.

Shh.

[ akmazian drops his voice, then, reaching up to press his index finger against his own lips. like he's telling a secret. ]

I'm giving you an out here, Ryan. You should probably take it.

[Ryan looks down and away, brows furrowing. He grabs the key from where he left them on the desk when he returned, don't want to get locked out and find that out at 0200 hours local time.

Then it's Ryan's turn to get up into Akmazian's personal space, a mimic of what Akmazian did when he whispered that belatedly he realized he could have said brothers. Ryan being shorter means it doesn't have quite the same effect, but he hopes he gets the point across.]

I'm aware of that.

[He reaches past Akmazian to the door.]

Let's go, before we get too tired and pass out on the way back.

[ oh, this is bad. this is so bad. this is extra-strength, crazy levels of megabad, and akmazian inhales through his nose, unmoving when ryan goes for the door.

instead, he just steps back, leaning his shoulders against it. ]

Maybe we should go in the morning.

[Yeah, in a lifetime of bad decisions... well, this one only ranks in the top 10 if we only count sober bad decisions. He pulls his hand back from the door, but doesn't really step back or get out of Akmazian's personal space bubble.]

Oh, well, if you think that would be safer... no need to put ourselves in danger over possibly nothing, right?

Yeah.

[ akmazian chuckles and shakes his head, apparently amused at ryan's "excuse," before he toes his boots back off. he, too, is not moving from the door. ]

Maybe we should turn in early.

[ he can't believe this is working. ]

[Ryan was not thinking of an excuse right then, he was thinking of just agreeing.

Ryan's really good at denying himself things he wants. He spent fifteen years getting good at it. It's also easy-ish on Eos 10, he's got a good example to set for Doctor Urvidian. He has to consider that the aforementioned two narcissists will never let him hear the end of anything embarrassing he gets up to (see: penis almost exploding).

None of them are here, though. It's just Ryan and Akmazian and their feelings and a mission that's not all that pressing as its a long shot to be relevant anyway.]

You did seem pretty tired before. I'm guessing you aren't getting enough sleep, you should definitely do that before you go into any potentially dangerous situations.

[The logical and sensible voice telling Ryan to back off and pull back is getting quieter and quieter. He does manage to take a few steps back from Akmazian, but only so that when he pulls his own shirt back off he doesn't smack Akmazian in the face with an elbow or something.]

Yeah. ... sleep is good. Important stuff.

[ he's going to behave, he tells himself. no funny business. there's way too much at stake here to risk souring his relationship with ryan entirely, and not all of it has to do with exposing this alliance conspiracy: he really doesn't want to lose his occasional company.

this time, he doesn't bother trying to hide the fact that he's watching ryan as he pulls his shirt off, gaze intense, before he twists to do the same himself. he tosses the garment onto the floor, before simply leaning over to flick the lightswitch off. the lamp on the bedside table illuminates the room enough to let them navigate over, at least, and that's what he does. ]

[Ryan makes some attempt to hide the way he is deeply interested in Akmazian's partial undressing, but he's very unpracticed, enough so that outright staring might have even been less obvious.

Context is everything, he saw Akmazian shirtless moments ago. It shouldn't be any different but it is, especially when he turns off the overhead light to leave them in the dim, warm glow of the bedside table lamp. The now intimate lighting accents the hard lines of his shoulders, his face.

Ryan empties his pockets again, squeezes his eyes shut and mentally repeats the affirmations he learned in rehab.

If there was a chair that wasn't the hardwood desk kind, if there was even enough space on the floor to allow for it then sleeping somewhere other than the bed would be a possibility. Ryan's pretty sure the last time he shared a bed with someone he wasn't intimate was when he was eight.

He shimmies his pants down his hips leaving himself in underwear to sleep in - it isn't like Akmazian hasn't seen more than that, more of Ryan even in particular, but anything else would definitely be crossing some kind of hazy line and they have too few of those left.

He needs to... to do something to explain himself maybe, establish some kind of boundary before getting under the covers.]

Akmazian?

[What, exactly, he's going to say he has absolutely no idea. Winging it has done okay for Ryan in the past, fingers crossed that he'll be able to think of something again.]

Doctor Dalias?

[ and akmazian is - strangely nervous. for all of his big talk, his posturing, his - well, actual being a dangerous black-market smuggler even if he isn't a destroyer of stars - he's still kind of just "a guy" at the end of the day. he's a guy that doesn't tend to get close to people, just because he can't.

except now he sort of has, and it isn't even about sex. what the fuck is wrong with him.

he keeps his own pants on as he pulls the sheets back and climbs into bed, doing his very best to seem exceedingly casual about this. like this isn't a huge, unspoken step for - whatever they are. if they are anything. god, he hadn't even been sure that ryan had been picking up on his ... feelings? his whatever they were.

why are definitions so hard. ]

[Ryan is very much wishing that he hadn’t taken off his pants first but he’s not getting in that bed feeling like he does right now and well he didn’t realize how dire the situation was until said pants were removed. So. So that is why he is standing in just his underwear in a hotel room on a backwater planet with a wanted man in bed, that Ryan is about to join.

He takes a breath, crossing his arms across his chest, trying not to project how awkward he feels. Okay, Ryan Dalias, you were the one who decided to wing it. Time to wing it.]

I need to - I really need to say something, and I’m not really sure what words I need to do it. So… I’m just going to try to work my way through it and it’s mostly going to be word vomit but I promise I have a point and I just need you to let me get to it, okay?

[This is your last chance to back out or change the subject before a Ryan Dalias Hero Speech (™), Akmazian.]

[ he wants to let ryan talk. he really wants to let ryan talk. just like it's been said ad nauseum: he is crazy fond of ryan dalias, knows that 'letting him talk' is pretty much the least of what he owes him. but he also has a mild feeling of dread here, like he knows that the situation between them will be irrevocably changed by the time that he makes it to whatever point he's winding to.

so he take a breath. ]

Could you just - lie down first? Give me five minutes?

[ just give him five minutes to pretend, you know, like this is all normal and okay and not some ridiculous fucking situation he has found himself in again. ]

[Ryan was expecting probably a shut down, or a quip that would get his blood boiling maybe, but the gentle request has the wind knocked out of his sails so to speak. He did in fact have every intention of making the Ryan Dalias Hero Speech (™) standing right there in his underwear, absolutely not in bed with Akmazian, but much like Akmazian feels like he owes Ryan to hear him, Ryan feels like he owes Akmazian to assent to that request.

So, he looks to Akmazian, gives a hesitant nod, then uncrosses his arms and goes to the other side of the bed. As long as he doesn’t overthink it, the pulling back the covers on the other side, of sliding under them next to Akmazian, it won’t be a problem.

It is so tempting to ignore it, to pass it off as nothing he needed to say at all. He committed to this awful wrong decision though and he’s going to see it through. He turns to his side so that he can face Akmazian, even if he’s not doing the best with the whole ‘eye contact’ thing right now.]

Just, uh. Just tell me when, okay?

[... But he can lay in bed next to Akmazian until then. Even with all the tension boiling under the surface of his skin, it’s an oddly relaxing act.]

[ this is the wrong thing to be doing.

they need to get up, get dressed again. comb their hair, head out to investigate whatever the hell it is that they need to investigate. stop playing this silly game, because he's more than aware that there's nothing that can come of it right now.

it's all well and good to have a crush on ryan, after all: he's a doctor with the alliance, attractive and uptight and it's fun, isn't it? to just play at that sort of thing? at least, it had been when he'd been so sure that "playing" was where it would begin and end.

he exhales softly, eyes shut, just enjoying the warmth of ryan nearby. he slides his arm over his waist, bumping their knees together, his fingertips sliding across the bare skin of his back. ]

Four more minutes.

[Ryan gives a soft mmm so that Akmazian knew he heard. It's so very tempting to let his own eyes shut, but then he wouldn't be able to see Akmazian's face. The interplay of light and shadows, the soft yellow glow that just radiates a sense of warmth. He's starting to wish he had a camera, wish he had artistic talent that would let him paint this.

Somehow 'one step at a time' became crashing through orbit so fast he was lighting on fire from it.

Ryan shifts a little closer, the bare skin of his ankle brushing against Akmazian's. They have to talk. He has to talk. This is the exact thing he was trying to avoid or - or at least clarify.

Being in bed with Akmazian isn't so bad though. If Ryan were more exhausted, or if his pulse wasn't running like a jackhammer through his veins, he might even fall asleep like this.]

[ he just wants to let himself enjoy this, before one or both of them lay the hammer down, before one of them says out loud that no, this is not something they can have right now. or ever.

there's no harm in indulging for just a few minutes. that's what he'll tell himself, at least, his own breathing soft and even, letting himself have the comfort of just having the weight of another body next to him.

and then he shifts in, seeming to give up, and presses his forehead against ryan's own. close, way too close, but his eyes aren't opening yet. ]

Okay, Dr. Dalias.

[ it comes in a low, husky murmur. ]

Talk.

Fuck.

[The softly spoken curse comes out before Ryan can stop it. This was not how he intended to have this conversation, to talk, and now the words he was already only barely grasping at seem that much farther out of reach.]

I... okay. Uh. [Exhale. Akmazian's too close to focus on right now, so Ryan closes his eyes too rather than pull away.]

I didn't like you when we first met. I mean, the whole situation was - I wasn't in a position exactly to like anyone and you kind of did have the whole 'the destroyer' thing going so - the point is... even if I don't feel wrong about my first impression, I didn't really give you a chance to change my opinion. Knowing you as I do now which actually probably isn't really at all, I treated you unfairly. Aside from the whole knocking me and Jane out and kidnapping us, you were... actually nothing but decent and helpful.

Then after - after your trial - [It's still easier to say 'your trial' than 'my father's death'] - I feel like things changed between us. Or maybe just I changed. I came to trust you and rely on you and Doctor Urvidian tried to warn me about having that trust taken advantage of but you never have, not once. For godsakes you got me my cat and only asked that Jane try to put in a good word for you with me in return, and - and up until last rotation I was certain I was exclusively interested in women but then Doctor Osolong and you and that guy on the beach and I am not exclusively into women - and I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore because I keep coming back to thinking how I feel like I've never wanted anything more than how much I want you to kiss me right now.

[Ryan did warn for word vomit.]

Fuck.

[ it's a soft echo of ryan's own curse, one that doesn't come until after he's finished his word vomit, and he feels a strange sense of - what? guilt? probably - wash over him, settle cold and solid in the pit of his stomach. it's a weird sensation, what with the conflicting feeling of warmth in his chest at ryan's confession.

he doesn't open his eyes, yet, because he knows that he's fucked if he does. there's no way he's going to be able to not kiss ryan if he actually looks at him right now. ]

And here I thought I was bein' subtle.

[ it's quiet, drawling. stalling. ]

[Ryan lets out a barking laugh at that, ragged and a little desperate. He's burning up in the atmosphere here, it's too late to pull back and he doesn't know what he's going to do.]

You were so obvious that until today I thought you had to be fucking with me, actually. That there was no way a 'spy' could be that bad about hiding that kind of thing. But I was wrong, wasn't I? [Ryan swallows the lump in his throat, breathes, opens his eyes to look at Akmazian again, almost pleading.] I mean... wasn't I?

[Akmazian was kind enough to give Ryan an out before. It's only fair that Ryan give him the same consideration, even if he feels like cardiac arrest is a very plausible outcome of this.]

I was not, in fact, fucking with you.

[ he's trying desperately to inject some levity into the situation, but it's all falling flat and he knows it. his own ears feel hot and he wonder if he's blushing or maybe just having a stroke - is that a sign of having a stroke? he has no idea - and then, finally, he opens his eyes. there is not a single joke in his expression. ]

But if you're lookin' for someone to - go the high road here, to be noble and tell you that 'now's a bad time' or 'you're just grievin',' I don't know if I can be that person, Ryan. Just saying.

[That last bit of nagging doubt gone, one problem is fixed. Ryan feels like he can breathe again, even if his heart is going into a hard overdrive he hasn't felt since he was a teenager.]

If I wanted someone to take the high road I wouldn't have asked you to, I would have just done it myself.

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