commanderforehead | continued from bakerstreet due to captcha

[Ryan was expecting probably a shut down, or a quip that would get his blood boiling maybe, but the gentle request has the wind knocked out of his sails so to speak. He did in fact have every intention of making the Ryan Dalias Hero Speech (™) standing right there in his underwear, absolutely not in bed with Akmazian, but much like Akmazian feels like he owes Ryan to hear him, Ryan feels like he owes Akmazian to assent to that request.

So, he looks to Akmazian, gives a hesitant nod, then uncrosses his arms and goes to the other side of the bed. As long as he doesn’t overthink it, the pulling back the covers on the other side, of sliding under them next to Akmazian, it won’t be a problem.

It is so tempting to ignore it, to pass it off as nothing he needed to say at all. He committed to this awful wrong decision though and he’s going to see it through. He turns to his side so that he can face Akmazian, even if he’s not doing the best with the whole ‘eye contact’ thing right now.]

Just, uh. Just tell me when, okay?

[... But he can lay in bed next to Akmazian until then. Even with all the tension boiling under the surface of his skin, it’s an oddly relaxing act.]

[ this is the wrong thing to be doing.

they need to get up, get dressed again. comb their hair, head out to investigate whatever the hell it is that they need to investigate. stop playing this silly game, because he's more than aware that there's nothing that can come of it right now.

it's all well and good to have a crush on ryan, after all: he's a doctor with the alliance, attractive and uptight and it's fun, isn't it? to just play at that sort of thing? at least, it had been when he'd been so sure that "playing" was where it would begin and end.

he exhales softly, eyes shut, just enjoying the warmth of ryan nearby. he slides his arm over his waist, bumping their knees together, his fingertips sliding across the bare skin of his back. ]

Four more minutes.

[Ryan gives a soft mmm so that Akmazian knew he heard. It's so very tempting to let his own eyes shut, but then he wouldn't be able to see Akmazian's face. The interplay of light and shadows, the soft yellow glow that just radiates a sense of warmth. He's starting to wish he had a camera, wish he had artistic talent that would let him paint this.

Somehow 'one step at a time' became crashing through orbit so fast he was lighting on fire from it.

Ryan shifts a little closer, the bare skin of his ankle brushing against Akmazian's. They have to talk. He has to talk. This is the exact thing he was trying to avoid or - or at least clarify.

Being in bed with Akmazian isn't so bad though. If Ryan were more exhausted, or if his pulse wasn't running like a jackhammer through his veins, he might even fall asleep like this.]

[ he just wants to let himself enjoy this, before one or both of them lay the hammer down, before one of them says out loud that no, this is not something they can have right now. or ever.

there's no harm in indulging for just a few minutes. that's what he'll tell himself, at least, his own breathing soft and even, letting himself have the comfort of just having the weight of another body next to him.

and then he shifts in, seeming to give up, and presses his forehead against ryan's own. close, way too close, but his eyes aren't opening yet. ]

Okay, Dr. Dalias.

[ it comes in a low, husky murmur. ]

Talk.

Fuck.

[The softly spoken curse comes out before Ryan can stop it. This was not how he intended to have this conversation, to talk, and now the words he was already only barely grasping at seem that much farther out of reach.]

I... okay. Uh. [Exhale. Akmazian's too close to focus on right now, so Ryan closes his eyes too rather than pull away.]

I didn't like you when we first met. I mean, the whole situation was - I wasn't in a position exactly to like anyone and you kind of did have the whole 'the destroyer' thing going so - the point is... even if I don't feel wrong about my first impression, I didn't really give you a chance to change my opinion. Knowing you as I do now which actually probably isn't really at all, I treated you unfairly. Aside from the whole knocking me and Jane out and kidnapping us, you were... actually nothing but decent and helpful.

Then after - after your trial - [It's still easier to say 'your trial' than 'my father's death'] - I feel like things changed between us. Or maybe just I changed. I came to trust you and rely on you and Doctor Urvidian tried to warn me about having that trust taken advantage of but you never have, not once. For godsakes you got me my cat and only asked that Jane try to put in a good word for you with me in return, and - and up until last rotation I was certain I was exclusively interested in women but then Doctor Osolong and you and that guy on the beach and I am not exclusively into women - and I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore because I keep coming back to thinking how I feel like I've never wanted anything more than how much I want you to kiss me right now.

[Ryan did warn for word vomit.]

Fuck.

[ it's a soft echo of ryan's own curse, one that doesn't come until after he's finished his word vomit, and he feels a strange sense of - what? guilt? probably - wash over him, settle cold and solid in the pit of his stomach. it's a weird sensation, what with the conflicting feeling of warmth in his chest at ryan's confession.

he doesn't open his eyes, yet, because he knows that he's fucked if he does. there's no way he's going to be able to not kiss ryan if he actually looks at him right now. ]

And here I thought I was bein' subtle.

[ it's quiet, drawling. stalling. ]

[Ryan lets out a barking laugh at that, ragged and a little desperate. He's burning up in the atmosphere here, it's too late to pull back and he doesn't know what he's going to do.]

You were so obvious that until today I thought you had to be fucking with me, actually. That there was no way a 'spy' could be that bad about hiding that kind of thing. But I was wrong, wasn't I? [Ryan swallows the lump in his throat, breathes, opens his eyes to look at Akmazian again, almost pleading.] I mean... wasn't I?

[Akmazian was kind enough to give Ryan an out before. It's only fair that Ryan give him the same consideration, even if he feels like cardiac arrest is a very plausible outcome of this.]

I was not, in fact, fucking with you.

[ he's trying desperately to inject some levity into the situation, but it's all falling flat and he knows it. his own ears feel hot and he wonder if he's blushing or maybe just having a stroke - is that a sign of having a stroke? he has no idea - and then, finally, he opens his eyes. there is not a single joke in his expression. ]

But if you're lookin' for someone to - go the high road here, to be noble and tell you that 'now's a bad time' or 'you're just grievin',' I don't know if I can be that person, Ryan. Just saying.

[That last bit of nagging doubt gone, one problem is fixed. Ryan feels like he can breathe again, even if his heart is going into a hard overdrive he hasn't felt since he was a teenager.]

If I wanted someone to take the high road I wouldn't have asked you to, I would have just done it myself.

Yeah. You do happen to be the best high-road-taker that I know.

[ he breathes again, but he still feels strange. too-tightly strung, like he's waiting for the next disaster to strike right here, in this very bed. ]

They drive the whole high road and personal responsibility point in pretty hard in rehab.

[The disaster is already happening. Ryan is the disaster. At least, if you asked him. He reaches out slow and careful-like to brush some stray strands of hair away from Akmazian's forehead.]

I still want you to kiss me.

[He wants to lean in and do it himself, for that matter, but he has to allow Akmazian this. Part of the high road and personal responsibility - even if Akmazian wants Ryan, Ryan has to let him choose to act on that or ignore it.]

[ the warmth and brief touch of ryan's fingertips against his forehead are all that it takes. he swallows hard, finally opening his eyes, brows knit in a conflicting mess of excitement and anxiety. sure, he's a spy, but when it comes to interpersonal things like this - especially with ryan literally up in his face - he's sort of screwed.

this is either an awesome mistake or a really fucking terrible one, and it bothers him that he can't figure out which one it is yet. ]

That so? I still want me to kiss you, too.

[ and then he'll do it. it's not like he has much distance to close, after all. it's a sweet one, slow, but firm and lingering, as if he's worried that this might be the only chance he gets. ]

[With Akmazian going for it, Ryan leans in to meet him halfway. He lets Akmazian set the pace, though. He doesn't want to push too hard, and is terribly worried about fucking something up now that he's with someone who he deeply cares not to fuck things up with. It's good, though. He'd wondered what Akmazian's lips tasted like, at the feel of the stubble against his skin.

He needs to take it easy, to pace himself with this, but he's already so hungry for it again that he can't resist going in for another kiss after the first one ends for a moment to breathe.]

[ so much of the worry now is giving way to a childish sort of giddiness. okay, he has no idea what any of this means, and honestly - it's probably best if it doesn't mean anything. that doesn't manage to actually spoil any of this, though; he isn't going to deny the good doctor a kiss or three, if that's what he wants.

his hand reaches up, catches the back of ryan's neck, giving it a little squeeze. he just wanted to touch him while he had the right to. ]

[Ryan's fingers thread through Akmazian's hair, weirdly entertained by the parts that are still damp from the shower. He knows his is probably in the same state. It's going to be absolutely unmanageable if slept on like this.

Three kisses are absolutely great, but do you know what would be even better? Four. Four would be better, though Ryan will probably be able to get control of himself after that.]

[ four is great. he can handle four.

though, of course, by kiss number four, akmazian's hand is going to be gliding across ryan's chest, before pressing down against the slope of his waist and smoothing against his lower back. his fingers - a little coarse, in that rough state of almost-but-not-quite-calloused - slide up the outline of his spine.

this is not doing a lot to slake his own hunger, here. ]

[So much for self control. He would be lying to say he hadn't considered this, imagined it maybe in that place between sleeping and awake where shame takes a back seat to desire. This is truly dangerous - every touch and kiss just leaves Ryan wanting more.

This is not a good time for anything beyond kissing, they haven't really talked about what this means, if it means anything. That was also going to be something Ryan was going to bring up before Akmazian asked him to get into bed first and what little planning had occurred went right out the window. Ryan's not completely inexperienced with men but he's pretty sure there's plenty he doesn't know.

On the other hand it's the perfect time for anything beyond kissing, because after this weekend they'll be back on the station with the trio of mood-killers in Levi, Jane, and Doctor Urvidian and Ryan will have the med bay and Akmazian will have the running for his life and a hundred little emergencies waiting to crop up and interrupt the both of them.

Ryan hooks his ankle around Akmazian's and tugs him closer, lets his own hand slide from Akmazian's hair to the back of his neck.]

[ wow, he wants this. ryan still smells like ryan, but also like clean hotel soap and shampoo, and the touch on the back of his neck is electric. okay. okay, their time is definitely up, they need to separate, to break before they cross a line they're not going to be able to backpedal across.

he groans very quietly, a sound of both pitiful neediness and absolute reluctance as he turns his face away to finally end the kiss. akmazian is overwarm but doesn't care: he's got bare skin beneath his fingertips and that is really just the best. ]

Goodnight, Dr. Dalias.

[ his willpower here is paper-thin, and it's obvious. ]

[Ryan's next kiss catches on Akmazian's jaw when he turns his face away, gently demures Ryan away. Taking the high road even though he said he wouldn't. It would be the easiest thing to change his mind, to keep kissing down his now exposed neck, throw a leg over his waist and push him back on the bed and keep going lower until Ryan could take Akmazian into his mouth and really make his case. He even lets himself give it honest consideration for half a moment, to acknowledge that it's something he sincerely wants.

Ryan swallows the lump in his throat instead and nods stiffly, pulling back, trying to catch his breath.

He still wants Akmazian's lips on his lips, Akmazian's tongue in his mouth, Akmazian's hands on his skin.]

I need to - um. I'm just going to. Uh. Get up. I - I need a moment.

[He needs a lot more than a moment and this is way too much temptation for Ryan's traditionally shitty willpower.]

Actually I'm just going to - I'm gonna get dressed and go for a walk.

[Right, getting up.]

Ryan -

[ akmazian groans slightly, pushing himself up on his elbows. his face is a little flushed, the color all the way down to his bare shoulders. he reaches up, dragging his hand across his forehead, down his cheek and the side of his neck. ]

You can't go for a walk here by yourself, it's -

[ ugh. his head is foggy, and he's barely hanging his tattered threads of willpower as it is. ]

Ryan, sit back down.

[Ryan's also pretty flushed, and his interest in what they were just doing is clearly apparent, especially with the way he looks Akmazian over before pulling his eyes away. Ryan grabs his clothes, putting more focus on that task than is exactly necessary except it is entirely necessary to keep from getting distracted.]

Nope. I'm not the wanted man anyway, I'll be fine. Just another tourist out for an evening stroll. If conspirators are waiting to jump on me out of the bushes I promise I'll yell for help.

[ he starts to argue again, to say something to the effect of splitting up needlessly is stupid, it's just asking for danger, but there's no point. if ryan wants to go, he's going to go, and if akmazian knows anything at all about the other man so far? it's how tenaciously stubborn he can be.

so he makes a frustrated sound, dropping onto the mattress again and pulling the sheets up to his shoulders. with a huff, he turns onto his side, his back to the door and ryan.

he can't watch him get dressed, just because he knows how much he wants to. ]

Fine. Don't stay out too late.

I won't.

[He just needs enough time to pull his mind away from the feeling of Akmazian's skin against his own, to focus on why they came here again and hopefully tire himself out enough that he'll be able to return to the room and just fall asleep. Perfectly safe. Removing himself from the temptation until he can get himself under control again is the smart and responsible thing, damn it. Ryan dresses as quickly as he can, grabs the room key.]

Try to get some sleep. I'll try not to wake you when I come back.

[And he's out of there like a bat out of hell. Evening jogs are good for you too or something.]

[ he's definitely going to go to sleep, he tells himself. he's going to go to sleep so that he's not waiting like a golden retriever for ryan.

except that he totally is. there's no way that he's going to be able to sleep, knowing that he might need to jump up and to the rescue; he wouldn't forgive himself if he sulked and slept through ryan getting captured or worse.

he's going to pretend to be asleep, though, as long as the good doctor doesn't take too long to return. ]

[Ryan doesn't think he takes too long, though it is almost an hour. He sticks close to the hotel, as tempting as it is to see if he can casually go check out the ruins while he's out.

He runs his mind through drills instead, reciting medical procedures, mentally organizing lists of what he needs to do when he gets back to Eos 10, supplies that need ordering, what they're going to do if they find anything tomorrow, what to do if they don't.

It's tedious and relaxing in the routine of it. Combined with the jog, it's not quite as good as swimming laps but it does the job. The fire in his blood has cooled enough that he feels safe returning to the room and regardless he feels tired enough that sleep is really the only thing on his mind when he gets there, unlocking the door and opening it as quietly as possible in case Akmazian has fallen asleep while he's gone.

The man needs a good night's rest more than Ryan does, Ryan shouldn't be so selfish wanting something else along with that.]

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