commanderforehead | continued from bakerstreet due to captcha

[Yeah, in a lifetime of bad decisions... well, this one only ranks in the top 10 if we only count sober bad decisions. He pulls his hand back from the door, but doesn't really step back or get out of Akmazian's personal space bubble.]

Oh, well, if you think that would be safer... no need to put ourselves in danger over possibly nothing, right?

Yeah.

[ akmazian chuckles and shakes his head, apparently amused at ryan's "excuse," before he toes his boots back off. he, too, is not moving from the door. ]

Maybe we should turn in early.

[ he can't believe this is working. ]

[Ryan was not thinking of an excuse right then, he was thinking of just agreeing.

Ryan's really good at denying himself things he wants. He spent fifteen years getting good at it. It's also easy-ish on Eos 10, he's got a good example to set for Doctor Urvidian. He has to consider that the aforementioned two narcissists will never let him hear the end of anything embarrassing he gets up to (see: penis almost exploding).

None of them are here, though. It's just Ryan and Akmazian and their feelings and a mission that's not all that pressing as its a long shot to be relevant anyway.]

You did seem pretty tired before. I'm guessing you aren't getting enough sleep, you should definitely do that before you go into any potentially dangerous situations.

[The logical and sensible voice telling Ryan to back off and pull back is getting quieter and quieter. He does manage to take a few steps back from Akmazian, but only so that when he pulls his own shirt back off he doesn't smack Akmazian in the face with an elbow or something.]

Yeah. ... sleep is good. Important stuff.

[ he's going to behave, he tells himself. no funny business. there's way too much at stake here to risk souring his relationship with ryan entirely, and not all of it has to do with exposing this alliance conspiracy: he really doesn't want to lose his occasional company.

this time, he doesn't bother trying to hide the fact that he's watching ryan as he pulls his shirt off, gaze intense, before he twists to do the same himself. he tosses the garment onto the floor, before simply leaning over to flick the lightswitch off. the lamp on the bedside table illuminates the room enough to let them navigate over, at least, and that's what he does. ]

[Ryan makes some attempt to hide the way he is deeply interested in Akmazian's partial undressing, but he's very unpracticed, enough so that outright staring might have even been less obvious.

Context is everything, he saw Akmazian shirtless moments ago. It shouldn't be any different but it is, especially when he turns off the overhead light to leave them in the dim, warm glow of the bedside table lamp. The now intimate lighting accents the hard lines of his shoulders, his face.

Ryan empties his pockets again, squeezes his eyes shut and mentally repeats the affirmations he learned in rehab.

If there was a chair that wasn't the hardwood desk kind, if there was even enough space on the floor to allow for it then sleeping somewhere other than the bed would be a possibility. Ryan's pretty sure the last time he shared a bed with someone he wasn't intimate was when he was eight.

He shimmies his pants down his hips leaving himself in underwear to sleep in - it isn't like Akmazian hasn't seen more than that, more of Ryan even in particular, but anything else would definitely be crossing some kind of hazy line and they have too few of those left.

He needs to... to do something to explain himself maybe, establish some kind of boundary before getting under the covers.]

Akmazian?

[What, exactly, he's going to say he has absolutely no idea. Winging it has done okay for Ryan in the past, fingers crossed that he'll be able to think of something again.]

Doctor Dalias?

[ and akmazian is - strangely nervous. for all of his big talk, his posturing, his - well, actual being a dangerous black-market smuggler even if he isn't a destroyer of stars - he's still kind of just "a guy" at the end of the day. he's a guy that doesn't tend to get close to people, just because he can't.

except now he sort of has, and it isn't even about sex. what the fuck is wrong with him.

he keeps his own pants on as he pulls the sheets back and climbs into bed, doing his very best to seem exceedingly casual about this. like this isn't a huge, unspoken step for - whatever they are. if they are anything. god, he hadn't even been sure that ryan had been picking up on his ... feelings? his whatever they were.

why are definitions so hard. ]

[Ryan is very much wishing that he hadn’t taken off his pants first but he’s not getting in that bed feeling like he does right now and well he didn’t realize how dire the situation was until said pants were removed. So. So that is why he is standing in just his underwear in a hotel room on a backwater planet with a wanted man in bed, that Ryan is about to join.

He takes a breath, crossing his arms across his chest, trying not to project how awkward he feels. Okay, Ryan Dalias, you were the one who decided to wing it. Time to wing it.]

I need to - I really need to say something, and I’m not really sure what words I need to do it. So… I’m just going to try to work my way through it and it’s mostly going to be word vomit but I promise I have a point and I just need you to let me get to it, okay?

[This is your last chance to back out or change the subject before a Ryan Dalias Hero Speech (™), Akmazian.]

[ he wants to let ryan talk. he really wants to let ryan talk. just like it's been said ad nauseum: he is crazy fond of ryan dalias, knows that 'letting him talk' is pretty much the least of what he owes him. but he also has a mild feeling of dread here, like he knows that the situation between them will be irrevocably changed by the time that he makes it to whatever point he's winding to.

so he take a breath. ]

Could you just - lie down first? Give me five minutes?

[ just give him five minutes to pretend, you know, like this is all normal and okay and not some ridiculous fucking situation he has found himself in again. ]

[Ryan was expecting probably a shut down, or a quip that would get his blood boiling maybe, but the gentle request has the wind knocked out of his sails so to speak. He did in fact have every intention of making the Ryan Dalias Hero Speech (™) standing right there in his underwear, absolutely not in bed with Akmazian, but much like Akmazian feels like he owes Ryan to hear him, Ryan feels like he owes Akmazian to assent to that request.

So, he looks to Akmazian, gives a hesitant nod, then uncrosses his arms and goes to the other side of the bed. As long as he doesn’t overthink it, the pulling back the covers on the other side, of sliding under them next to Akmazian, it won’t be a problem.

It is so tempting to ignore it, to pass it off as nothing he needed to say at all. He committed to this awful wrong decision though and he’s going to see it through. He turns to his side so that he can face Akmazian, even if he’s not doing the best with the whole ‘eye contact’ thing right now.]

Just, uh. Just tell me when, okay?

[... But he can lay in bed next to Akmazian until then. Even with all the tension boiling under the surface of his skin, it’s an oddly relaxing act.]

[ this is the wrong thing to be doing.

they need to get up, get dressed again. comb their hair, head out to investigate whatever the hell it is that they need to investigate. stop playing this silly game, because he's more than aware that there's nothing that can come of it right now.

it's all well and good to have a crush on ryan, after all: he's a doctor with the alliance, attractive and uptight and it's fun, isn't it? to just play at that sort of thing? at least, it had been when he'd been so sure that "playing" was where it would begin and end.

he exhales softly, eyes shut, just enjoying the warmth of ryan nearby. he slides his arm over his waist, bumping their knees together, his fingertips sliding across the bare skin of his back. ]

Four more minutes.

[Ryan gives a soft mmm so that Akmazian knew he heard. It's so very tempting to let his own eyes shut, but then he wouldn't be able to see Akmazian's face. The interplay of light and shadows, the soft yellow glow that just radiates a sense of warmth. He's starting to wish he had a camera, wish he had artistic talent that would let him paint this.

Somehow 'one step at a time' became crashing through orbit so fast he was lighting on fire from it.

Ryan shifts a little closer, the bare skin of his ankle brushing against Akmazian's. They have to talk. He has to talk. This is the exact thing he was trying to avoid or - or at least clarify.

Being in bed with Akmazian isn't so bad though. If Ryan were more exhausted, or if his pulse wasn't running like a jackhammer through his veins, he might even fall asleep like this.]

[ he just wants to let himself enjoy this, before one or both of them lay the hammer down, before one of them says out loud that no, this is not something they can have right now. or ever.

there's no harm in indulging for just a few minutes. that's what he'll tell himself, at least, his own breathing soft and even, letting himself have the comfort of just having the weight of another body next to him.

and then he shifts in, seeming to give up, and presses his forehead against ryan's own. close, way too close, but his eyes aren't opening yet. ]

Okay, Dr. Dalias.

[ it comes in a low, husky murmur. ]

Talk.

Fuck.

[The softly spoken curse comes out before Ryan can stop it. This was not how he intended to have this conversation, to talk, and now the words he was already only barely grasping at seem that much farther out of reach.]

I... okay. Uh. [Exhale. Akmazian's too close to focus on right now, so Ryan closes his eyes too rather than pull away.]

I didn't like you when we first met. I mean, the whole situation was - I wasn't in a position exactly to like anyone and you kind of did have the whole 'the destroyer' thing going so - the point is... even if I don't feel wrong about my first impression, I didn't really give you a chance to change my opinion. Knowing you as I do now which actually probably isn't really at all, I treated you unfairly. Aside from the whole knocking me and Jane out and kidnapping us, you were... actually nothing but decent and helpful.

Then after - after your trial - [It's still easier to say 'your trial' than 'my father's death'] - I feel like things changed between us. Or maybe just I changed. I came to trust you and rely on you and Doctor Urvidian tried to warn me about having that trust taken advantage of but you never have, not once. For godsakes you got me my cat and only asked that Jane try to put in a good word for you with me in return, and - and up until last rotation I was certain I was exclusively interested in women but then Doctor Osolong and you and that guy on the beach and I am not exclusively into women - and I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore because I keep coming back to thinking how I feel like I've never wanted anything more than how much I want you to kiss me right now.

[Ryan did warn for word vomit.]

Fuck.

[ it's a soft echo of ryan's own curse, one that doesn't come until after he's finished his word vomit, and he feels a strange sense of - what? guilt? probably - wash over him, settle cold and solid in the pit of his stomach. it's a weird sensation, what with the conflicting feeling of warmth in his chest at ryan's confession.

he doesn't open his eyes, yet, because he knows that he's fucked if he does. there's no way he's going to be able to not kiss ryan if he actually looks at him right now. ]

And here I thought I was bein' subtle.

[ it's quiet, drawling. stalling. ]

[Ryan lets out a barking laugh at that, ragged and a little desperate. He's burning up in the atmosphere here, it's too late to pull back and he doesn't know what he's going to do.]

You were so obvious that until today I thought you had to be fucking with me, actually. That there was no way a 'spy' could be that bad about hiding that kind of thing. But I was wrong, wasn't I? [Ryan swallows the lump in his throat, breathes, opens his eyes to look at Akmazian again, almost pleading.] I mean... wasn't I?

[Akmazian was kind enough to give Ryan an out before. It's only fair that Ryan give him the same consideration, even if he feels like cardiac arrest is a very plausible outcome of this.]

I was not, in fact, fucking with you.

[ he's trying desperately to inject some levity into the situation, but it's all falling flat and he knows it. his own ears feel hot and he wonder if he's blushing or maybe just having a stroke - is that a sign of having a stroke? he has no idea - and then, finally, he opens his eyes. there is not a single joke in his expression. ]

But if you're lookin' for someone to - go the high road here, to be noble and tell you that 'now's a bad time' or 'you're just grievin',' I don't know if I can be that person, Ryan. Just saying.

[That last bit of nagging doubt gone, one problem is fixed. Ryan feels like he can breathe again, even if his heart is going into a hard overdrive he hasn't felt since he was a teenager.]

If I wanted someone to take the high road I wouldn't have asked you to, I would have just done it myself.

Yeah. You do happen to be the best high-road-taker that I know.

[ he breathes again, but he still feels strange. too-tightly strung, like he's waiting for the next disaster to strike right here, in this very bed. ]

They drive the whole high road and personal responsibility point in pretty hard in rehab.

[The disaster is already happening. Ryan is the disaster. At least, if you asked him. He reaches out slow and careful-like to brush some stray strands of hair away from Akmazian's forehead.]

I still want you to kiss me.

[He wants to lean in and do it himself, for that matter, but he has to allow Akmazian this. Part of the high road and personal responsibility - even if Akmazian wants Ryan, Ryan has to let him choose to act on that or ignore it.]

[ the warmth and brief touch of ryan's fingertips against his forehead are all that it takes. he swallows hard, finally opening his eyes, brows knit in a conflicting mess of excitement and anxiety. sure, he's a spy, but when it comes to interpersonal things like this - especially with ryan literally up in his face - he's sort of screwed.

this is either an awesome mistake or a really fucking terrible one, and it bothers him that he can't figure out which one it is yet. ]

That so? I still want me to kiss you, too.

[ and then he'll do it. it's not like he has much distance to close, after all. it's a sweet one, slow, but firm and lingering, as if he's worried that this might be the only chance he gets. ]

[With Akmazian going for it, Ryan leans in to meet him halfway. He lets Akmazian set the pace, though. He doesn't want to push too hard, and is terribly worried about fucking something up now that he's with someone who he deeply cares not to fuck things up with. It's good, though. He'd wondered what Akmazian's lips tasted like, at the feel of the stubble against his skin.

He needs to take it easy, to pace himself with this, but he's already so hungry for it again that he can't resist going in for another kiss after the first one ends for a moment to breathe.]

[ so much of the worry now is giving way to a childish sort of giddiness. okay, he has no idea what any of this means, and honestly - it's probably best if it doesn't mean anything. that doesn't manage to actually spoil any of this, though; he isn't going to deny the good doctor a kiss or three, if that's what he wants.

his hand reaches up, catches the back of ryan's neck, giving it a little squeeze. he just wanted to touch him while he had the right to. ]

[Ryan's fingers thread through Akmazian's hair, weirdly entertained by the parts that are still damp from the shower. He knows his is probably in the same state. It's going to be absolutely unmanageable if slept on like this.

Three kisses are absolutely great, but do you know what would be even better? Four. Four would be better, though Ryan will probably be able to get control of himself after that.]

[ four is great. he can handle four.

though, of course, by kiss number four, akmazian's hand is going to be gliding across ryan's chest, before pressing down against the slope of his waist and smoothing against his lower back. his fingers - a little coarse, in that rough state of almost-but-not-quite-calloused - slide up the outline of his spine.

this is not doing a lot to slake his own hunger, here. ]

[So much for self control. He would be lying to say he hadn't considered this, imagined it maybe in that place between sleeping and awake where shame takes a back seat to desire. This is truly dangerous - every touch and kiss just leaves Ryan wanting more.

This is not a good time for anything beyond kissing, they haven't really talked about what this means, if it means anything. That was also going to be something Ryan was going to bring up before Akmazian asked him to get into bed first and what little planning had occurred went right out the window. Ryan's not completely inexperienced with men but he's pretty sure there's plenty he doesn't know.

On the other hand it's the perfect time for anything beyond kissing, because after this weekend they'll be back on the station with the trio of mood-killers in Levi, Jane, and Doctor Urvidian and Ryan will have the med bay and Akmazian will have the running for his life and a hundred little emergencies waiting to crop up and interrupt the both of them.

Ryan hooks his ankle around Akmazian's and tugs him closer, lets his own hand slide from Akmazian's hair to the back of his neck.]

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